THE critics must stand down or shut up. President Donald Trump, accused of making policy during press conferences, has finally offered a rational reason for bringing peace to every corner of this fractious world: he wants to go to Heaven. This is good news for everyone, except possibly God.
On any rational assessment, God would never win the Nobel Peace Prize. God cannot escape responsibility for the first Armageddon, which isn’t over. The history of war begins in Paradise with the conflict between God and Satan over young Adam and Eve. That established the bookends: every partisan believes that good is on its side and the enemy is pure evil. The First Couple can also take the credit, if that is the right word, for the peculiar morality of war. They betrayed God and switched sides. It is axiomatic that when Trump reaches Heaven, he will challenge God over the divine record and set about reinventing Paradise.
Democracy in Heaven
Heaven, we have been informed on good authority, is like America. This means, ipso facto, that there is democracy out there. Democracy means elections. You cannot have one entity, however omnipotent, sitting on the celestial throne for eternity. It’s not fair. It’s not American. God has had no challenge since Satan lost Paradise, but that age of comfort is over. The electorate in heaven will be a bit large of course, but thanks to California (heaven with drugs) there is enough technology now to manage the process. Trump will insist, naturally, that angels do not vote, since they are God’s slaves, however cherubic they might look. Only free people get the vote.
Trump’s campaign themes are in place, sitting on the shelf, written on his collection of red caps, which encapsulate his philosophy. The first should be persuasive enough for voters: TRUMP WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING.
So far only God has made such a claim. God has competition now. The flaw in God’s manifesto is obvious. God was not right about Adam and Eve, nor about Satan. Adam was a darling son but abandoned a home as fine as Paradise for better pastures, setting a template for future generations. Satan was born to serve. His record? Disobedience. Civil strife. How is God going to answer that in the televised debates?
Best in everything
In contrast, Trump has always been right. He was right about how the Democrats ruined America. He is right about tariffs and anyone who disagrees is an ignoramus cuss pot. Does God understand global trade? Has God ever run a business? Built a Trump Tower? Been President of a country which in the months of July and August 2025 added $21 billion a day to its national debt? Twenty-one billion, not million! Every single day!! With the total national debt racing towards $40 trillion. Trillion. That’s counting in real cash, dollars, not in some silly sky-blue roubles or yuan. You need to answer these questions, God, if you want to be elected.
Trump has the answers because he is the best. Best in everything, about anything: “I’m a perfect physical specimen.” “I know words. I have the words.” “I know more about grass than any human being.” Ad infinitum. He knows which names are correct. Pentagon merely describes an architect’s whimsy. Department of War is so much more accurate. Next on the agenda: America’s defence industry will be called the offence industry. Again, so much more accurate.
Has God, who merely created the world, with dubious side effects, ever managed the world? Look at what Trump has achieved within the first hundred days of his second term. This is how he summed up the fallout of his tariffs: “These countries are calling us up, kissing my ass.” Which country has called up God, except maybe the Vatican? And God hasn’t bothered to take the Vatican’s call for quite a while.
Any global opinion poll will expose God’s limitations. More than half the world doesn’t believe God exists. Every single person on this earth now believes that Trump exists. Who has more credibility? God or Trump? The election for the throne in the sky is going to be easier than America 2024. The clincher is the promise on a second red cap: MAKE HEAVEN GREAT AGAIN. Let’s see God negotiate that one.
Heaven’s strength
God might argue that the unique strength of Heaven is equality. All the divisive sins of earth – religion, class, gender, ethnicity, colour – gone. Utopia is happily-ever-after. If that is true, then God must be a socialist, even if socialists do not believe in God. Time for the trump card. Who has done more to make America socialist than Donald Trump? It would not be farfetched to call him a secret socialist.
What are tariffs except protectionism, the go-to policy of all socialist states in the Soviet Union? The second mantra of socialism is nationalisation. Trump has announced that the American Government will buy 10 per cent of Intel shares to prevent the tech behemoth from implosion. Reports suggest that Trump wants his Government to become a shareholder in the defence industry. Government ownership of shares is creeping nationalisation, the panacea of socialism.
India suffered an incurable form of this disease till the 1970s, which sabotaged the growth of the Indian economy. It took more than seven decades to restore Air India to the private sector. Comrade Deng Xiaoping opened China’s eyes in the 1980s, and abandoned bamboo-curtain socialism to create a capitalist economy with a few egalitarian characteristics. Trump is Deng’s mirror image. He is adding socialist characteristics to robust capitalism. This could win some serious brownie points with Heaven’s voters.
